Some things never change. Peep love’s smile, makes my heart melt every time.
I had no urge to talk to anybody much less see anyone. Not even my best lover. I was dangling from an invisible string surrounded by the most mundane things in life. If you talked to me I was would say “I’m listening” but in reality I was worlds away and I didn’t know why. Life had suddenly lost meaning altogether, all of a sudden, rapidly. Maybe it was the product of too much reading, or perhaps it was the immense amount of blood I was losing. My ego was at an all time low and my view for other people was declining. What was so great about getting to know someone else anyways? Were we really all that different as we like to claim or are we just simply variations of one thing. The urge to travel was still there but the excitement and thrill I once imagine, was gone and I didn’t know why. Warm memories of the past now seemed fake and drawn up almost as if my mind had created them to feel happiness. I suppose this is the result when one thinks too much and allows it to happen, almost encouraging it to continue in order to test how much one can tolerate. Perhaps I needed something new to dig, someone to make my mind expand and heart jump. And there she went, again. Out with the old, in with the new. The boy that once made her smile as she did when she was 5 was lost to time and she was ok with that. And the man that opened her mind as well as her heart was thrown up in the air only to be stuck there forever. The endless cycle that had become her life seemed as if it had always been there, looming, waiting to interfere in order to protect its creator.
It feels somewhat liberating not texting people back. Just merely erasing their messages and going about my day. Not suggesting that they’re not important I’ve just simply lost all interest in having a conversation through messages, face-to-face has always been better. To be honest I think, at this moment, I’ve just lost all interest in people. I feel overcome with an immense sense of tiredness, as if I’m suspended between two different worlds. I guess this is what happens when you spend 3 hours reading.
- Fuck shin splits.
- Boxing is beautiful.
- I don’t need anyone.
- I want you yet I don’t.
- Make up your fuckn’ mind.
- We’ll never work out, ever.
- I think about us being married.
- Don’t lie, the truth always surfaces.
- Think, read, research, apply, integrate, change, repeat.
Surprisingly well but I miss you and him…and him. I can’t have any of you, not like I need someone to be happy but it be nice to have someone to talk to about my day. How boxing went, life, tell jokes to, share my deepest thoughts with. I miss being affectionate with someone, fuck me. My heart is overpowering my mind like never before. I find myself missing people, a lot more than I should. I miss the times when your eyes would reflect mine. The comfort of your body sleeping next to me is slipping away from my memory. But maybe it’s better this way, to forget everything that’s happened. Go back to being emotionless. Time heals all, I’ll always be a firm believer in that.